Frank Herbert famously wrote the quote you see here in his book Dune. He stated that 'Fear is the mind-killer' and the 'little death that brings total obliteration'. He was right. In fact there is so much in this quote that rings true when we understand what fear is, what it does and how we need to tackle it in order to move past it. Forgive the length of this post as it is probably the single most important topic to consider when seeking to achieve anything. I've talked in parts about fear and how to tackle it in different posts with slightly different contexts, but wanted to do a really deep dive into fear in this one,. So you know... this is absolute gold for anyone with any kind of goal they are even remotely nervous about taking on! (even if I do say so). I'm writing this in the context of me taking on a BFSG (Big Fucking Scary Goal) to run six back to back ultra marathons. But it really doesn't matter what your BFSG is... fear is the same thing no matter what... and the good news is, that the tools to manage it are also the same.
Chances are you experience fear or anxiety. In fact, simply reading this article about our fears might well trigger a tiny flutter in your stomach for a reason you don't yet even know. If that is indeed the case, then you might understand more about that subconscious reaction later in this post.
My Credentials
I like to think I'm at least a little qualified to speak on this subject. I have 30 years experience in coaching/training people. I have interviewed, guided and coached thousands of people in my career (many of whom are at the top of their game compared to their peers) across some of the most dynamic industries, and with some of the most notable companies in the world. I've coached thousands of career transitions, many of whom were highly anxious to make a change.
I've also spent almost 20 years studying the psychology of fear and motivation; much of which has been to help me process and manage my own, as much as anyone else's. I have applied this knowledge in most areas of my personal and professional life for two decades. This puts me in a good position to speak about it from a more technical point of view. During this time I've learned much about about this subject, and am learning more every day. Especially how to help myself and others overcome the blockages it can create that get in the way of what we want, and need, to achieve.
I have also grown up and competed in hugely physical and fighting based sports (rugby and martial arts) where people are actively seeking to harm you (by either stomping on my head, or trying to kick it off my shoulders). Which is ironic considering how well I did at them and how most of the time I did it with higher levels of anxiety and fear.
I have also worked when a young adult in private security (pubs, clubs, executive) and in football crowd control (I'll add that it is a fucking thing to behold when you are stood in a bright orange jacket in the middle of ten thousand angry supporters charging the pitch to fight each other!... Definitely the 'flight' part of my fight or flight response kicked in that day).
Add to all that, I've been subject to a number of attempted muggings and personal assaults through the years; I've lost friends, attacked on the street for the colour of their skin; Lost relationships and important friendships; been out of work; financial challenges; had to start my life all over again; and have had to watch some of the most important people in my life fall to pieces, losing almost everything while powerless to stop it.
I've also lived with anxiety all of my life (which most people, even those very close to me, have never realised); watched my wife (along with friends) battle cancer, having lived through the constant spectre of its return hanging over us; and I have seen my children struggle at times with their own battles while growing up, while having odds stacked against them by others...
All of which has both helped and hindered me. I certainly know what it feels like to be afraid of something... I'm a goddam expert in living it.
With that said, and all of the learning that has come with this 'experience', the best place to start when tackling fear is probably understanding what it is...
What is fear... really?
At the first level, fear is our emotional response to a perceived threat both real or imagined. This means our fear of a thing can be as much our thinking, as it is the reality of what you face in a moment. If you are swimming in shark infested waters, you are likely to be pretty much afraid of doing so just thinking of the sharks you cannot see, as you would be to see that dorsal fin pop up in the distance. OK, so your fear may step up a gear or three when you see the fin, but it's not actually attacking you (yet). This brings me onto the point of Fear vs Danger. Fear is a survival response. It is prehistoric and comes from within the most primitive part of our brain, in our Lymbic System - The Amygdala. This is the where the extreme emotions of fear and aggression spring from. The most basic of our animal instincts to survive.
When triggered this system is wired to respond RFF (Really Fucking Fast). It is activated by the subconscious system of your brain. It is so fast in fact that, that in the time it takes for you to consciously decide that the stick you see out of the corner of your eye is actually a stick and not a snake, your subconscious has perceived the threat, activated the amgydala, triggered a massive adrenaline response, and has you already leaping 5 feet up the nearest tree. Tests have measured that your amygdala activates a physical response to a perception of threat in roughly 0.1 of a second (that is ten times faster than your conscious processing speed to determine if it is indeed a stick or a snake) .
...By which point it has activated your fight or flight response, has supercharged your larger more powerful muscles with blood and adrenaline, increased your heart rate instantly, and heightened your senses via a large shot of cortisol (stress hormone) either to beat the thing to death, or to hot-tail it at speed in the opposite direction. If you've ever been chased by a knife wielding gang you will understand how much faster you can run than you ever imagined when afraid!
Fear has and does keep us alive.
*A sidenote - we also have a Freeze reaction to extreme danger where we are so overwhelmed by the moment of fear that we simply cannot process it fast enough to react in any way at all.
The problem is, while our immediate fear response is largely natural and healthy, sustained fear over time leads to anxiety. And that is wholly unhealthy. That is the sick persistent feeling in your stomach, the worry, the enduring state of being on edge. It is the sustained activation of the amygdala function (though less intense) with sustained adrenaline, cortisol, etc that does us damage and causes us stress. It shuts down dopamine and serotonin and has us feeling fucking miserable for extended periods of time. It becomes a vicious circle.
The more anxious you get, the more anxious you become; and your mind and brain build deeper neural connections that reinforce this over time. This simply creates a vicious cycle that becomes ever more difficult to get out from under. This leads to anxiety disorders, where we are living in an extended state of worry, and is almost entirely in the imagining of our mind. We become anxious over thoughts of a future not yet realised.
We mix up the term fear and anxiety, and tend to use them interchangeably, but it helps to know which part of fear we CAN better control for ourselves... and that is the Fear we create in our minds (not the stick-snake moments of immediate danger, or the moment a shark's dorsal fin pops up in the water near you). The fear our mind creates is that which limits us the most often, and is pretty shitty to have to live with.
How does it show up?
Fear of a future state or outcome that hasn't happened in the present moment of time can be pretty pervasive. While it overtly shows up in that sick feeling in our stomach, it shows up in many other ways.
It shows up frequently in avoidance behaviour, where we fail to act upon or address an issue. We avoid taking the action we KNOW we need to in order to move forward. It also appears as tetchiness or ill-mood. It comes up as lethargy, listlessness and depression. A sense of hopelessness that freezes us with inaction. In its more insidious instances, it can also present in self-harming or self-sabotaging behaviours that inadvertently, and deliberately, wreck our own chances of moving forward.
What does it do to us?
Personally I believe we often create that which we fear when we are governed by that fear. If we fear failure we avoid taking chances that can lead us to success. If we fear losing a partner, we can act untrusting of others and thus damage a relationship that leads to its demise. If we fear taking on a challenge we can avoid putting in the work and taking the actions needed to achieve it. All of which can happen when we allow that fear or anxiety to determine our actions, or lack thereof.
Fear and anxiety is powerful. Really powerful. It was designed to be. It's why it is the go-to tool of choice for Politicians and media to move mass populations in the directions they want them to go... We see this every day in something else we are told to be afraid of (viruses, immigrants, terrorists, bacon). But it is highly destructive when it is frequent, constant and out of control.
I'm a huge believer that consistent anxiety and fear, left unmanaged is the gateway to disease and illness. Think about it. Cortisol, for instance, is a highly catabolic hormone, created from fear, stress (physical and mental) and anxiety. This means that chronic high levels do damage to muscles and cells over time. This leads to heart problems, increased instances of disease such as cancer, poor diet which can lead to things like diabetes, etc, etc.
We can be quick to anger, we can become unreasonable, and we can damage our relationships with others when we are at fear's beckon-call. A reason I believe it is harming our health is the chronic unnatural hormone releases, leading to such things as adrenal fatigue and constantly high cortisol, that can do harm to our bodies and our minds. It has been shown that fear for extended periods results in diminished immune system effectiveness and actual damage to the DNA structure over time. Stress is a killer, right? Fear and anxiety is one of the biggest culprits in chronic stress.
This is why managing our fear, anxiety and stress is critical in our lives. Put the huge challenges aside (ultra marathons, starting a business, starting a new life, etc), and understand that tools to manage fear, anxiety and stress are essential to our every day world.
Now we understand more about what it does, and how it appears, it helps to recognise what we actually fear, and what often gives us the most anxiety.
What do we really fear?
There are a significant number of fears and so here are the ones I see as most common that many boil down to:
There are the obvious fears of pain and death. Those are a given, and fall into the fear of danger/harm to self/others category.
Fear of The past. This is an interesting one as it comes up with anxiety. Past experiences are likely not going to be repeated, but they can dramatically limit us. Think of a time where something has gone wrong in the past, and it has affected something much later on. One bad experience e.g. awful boss, doesn't mean the next one will be as bad. This can end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy though, where fear clouds our choices and we repeat the mistakes of the past.
Fear of Change (Loss). A VERY common one. People often resist change due to fear. That fear can be brought back to a fear of loss. Loss of security/safety, loss of social status, etc. That fear of change can be brought back to a fear of losing something as a result of that change. Think about a time when you were afraid of a change... what were you worried about losing if that change happened?
Fear of the unknown. Connected to a fear of danger/harm and also loss. It's an irrational fear that leads to triggering Hypervigilance which is very taxing on our body and state of mind over time.
Fear of Failure. This is incredibly common and very complex. It can be based on previous experiences, irrational fears, low self-esteem, perception of a lack of capability/skill, and so on. This is often deep rooted from childhood, very pervasive and very strong. It is one of the most limiting fears the majority of people experience and is ultimately connected to the next fear below...
Fear of not being good enough. This one sits at the heart of most anxiety and everyday fear we experience. It's huge. It is incredibly hard wired into many people. Fuck, I could write a book on this topic alone. and will cover this one in at least a little more detail below...
Not Good Enough
Were you ever scolded as a kid, teased, bullied, rejected, had hard work dismissed by a boss, had something you'd put effort into either ignored, rubbished or ridiculed, worked hard at something only to lose, not get picked, or fail to complete a task to a particular standard? If you had anything like any of these then you may be familiar with this fear.
In fact, it may be subconsciously determining your actions/inactions without you really knowing it. Our self esteem is fragile at times and our subconscious is powerful. Our unconscious mind sees all (literally everything we have ever experienced) and interprets negative experiences so far beyond what we consciously realise. It then seeks to protect us from future 'harm' based on those interpretations in all manner of ways in order to protect us from emotional damage from failure, embarrassment (loss of status), etc. It does so through avoidance, inaction, anger, frustration, rejection, etc.
This particular fear and set of insecurities about our self-worth can lead us to overcompensate (the classic inferiority complex where we become a bit of a dick to people in order to assert ourselves). We can also sabotage our conscious efforts in progress, and we can disengage completely from taking any action upon tackling the task at hand. This becomes the classic self-fulfilling prophecy (mentioned above) so often in our lives, where we create that which we fear.
It is the root cause of why so many of us fall short of what we want, and why so many of us don't even try in the first place. We miss 100% of the shots we never take, and is intrinsically connected to fearing failure.
How do we overcome it?
Fear not! To begin to understand a thing is the start of becoming less afraid of it. You're already well on your way by reading this far :-). Some of the above might be making you feel uncomfortable... that's OK! It means part of you is being honest with yourself somewhere to recognise you have fear or anxiety over a particular thing... all you need to do is explore it a little then take some action.
Tip 1: Action
Action is the single biggest antidote to fear or anxiety. Ever worried about a bill? Do nothing and the anxiety builds. Make that call you've been dreading, to discuss how to pay it, and you feel better.
Action can make a huge difference. Remember... It doesn't matter how slowly you go, what matters is that you go at all!
"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." I love this proverb and it is so true. That thing you are putting off, just take a step. A single action. Then another, then another. In my last post I mentioned a process called 'habituation'. This is a set of smaller steps out of your comfort/safety zone and towards the thing giving fear or worry. The critical part of this is TAKING THE STEP... action. Take the damn step. Then follow with another.
In order to help take the first step I'm going to give you a gift. A tool that is so simple it will baffle you why you are not using it already! A tool you can use 100 times a day if necessary. And it is a simple 5 second countdown....
Do this. Do this EVERY fucking time you hesitate to act. Do it when you don't want to get out of bed. Do it when you hesitate to make a call. Do it when you don't want to give bad news. Do it when you don't want to go running but know you should. Just do the goddam countdown. It will change your life!
All you need to do is simply count down from 5 to 0 and then take the action. That's it! It's sooooo simple. A Difficult call to make? Then count in your head 5-4-3-2-1-0 then dial the number. Don't want to get up at 5am to run? 5-4-3-2-1-0 ...get your ass out of bed and put your gear on.
Procrastination and avoidance will disappear and you will move forward. The process circumvents the brain's timing for procrastinating and overcomes hesitation.
Tip 2: SLEEP
The world looks very different when we are stressed and anxious. Tiredness messes our brain chemistry and can make things worse. Good quality sleep is essential to reducing stress (physical and mental) and anxiety. Not much more to say on this but a quality 7 hours is a minimum!
Egomanics will brag about how they run the world and make billions on only 3hrs sleep every night... bullshit. In my view, if that were possible they'd either be dead by 60 or suffering serious mental ill-health. It's an utter nonsense. The brain needs downtime. Your body needs it too. Get some goddam decent sleep!
If you struggle with quality sleep then please get some support. Insominia, Apnea, etc. can be hugely destructive over time.
It's amazing how dark things look so much more manageable after a decent night's sleep.
Tip 3: Acceptance
Accepting the things we cannot change is important. It frees us to work on the things we can change. Not every outcome you desire will be successful, but that's OK. It's accepting the things that are out of our control which allows us to put our energy into the things that we can (usually us).
At times of stress and high anxiety, acceptance can be difficult, but it is important we attempt to do so. When we can accept that we are where we are, then we can learn any lessons we need to that brought us to this point, and take actions to move forward.
Accept you are anxious, fearful about a thing. Accept that there are lessons to learn. Accept you may have a long way to go. Then go. Take a single step. Learn a single lesson, while putting it into action. If you don't like where you are, you can change it. You just need to manage the fear attached do doing so (fear of loss comes up a lot here), and then take an action (and then another, and so on...) to move forward. It helps for us to understand what is giving us the pain/hesitation/worry/discomfort. Here are some questions we can use to unravel fear or anxiety about a difficult situation:
Is what I'm worried about rational or irrational?
What is it that I am really worried about?
What can we accept about this situation right now?
What do we know to be true about the situation? What might our own fears be doing to fill in the blanks about what we don't yet know?
Where else can I look for solutions to this?
Where have I overcome a difficult/scary situation in the past?
What could I do differently to move this forward?
What other options are there?
What can we work on accepting, and where might we find assistance in doing so?
Which will i do first?
What will I do now?
Use the problem solving part of the brain to forge a way forward from where we are starting from. Look at what we've already learned along the way that has brought us to our present situation. Spot what needs adjusting, then go and adjust it.
Tip 4: The Release Valve
Fear and anxiety have energy. A significant amount of energy at times. It can feel like a huge build up inside, like you are simply hanging on with no way to let it out. This is where intention and more meditative releasing practices can be a godsend. This one can help with bigger more deep rooted fears and anxieties.
The process is simple and effective...
Identify exactly what you are fearing/anxious about
Allow yourself to 'go there' and feel it in your body, and give it a number out of 10 based on how strong it is
Accept that feeling and acknowledge/thank it for being there trying to keep you safe (because that what fear is there to do for us)
Take a deep slow breath in, then visualise letting both the physical feeling & emotional charge go as you breathe out.
Keep doing this until you feel neutral in your energy
I combine this with an EFT 'Tapping' Technique using one hand to firmly tap on on the outside meaty part of my other hand below my little finger for extra effect. This hits an energetic pressure point and is remarkably effective to bringing you back to a neutral feeling and dramatically lessening anxiety in the moment.
Visualisation is incredibly powerful. Use it to help shift the barriers we can put up that block our progress. Picture the worry leaving through your out-breath.
There are other tools but, having rambled on for a while, these will make a big difference if Fear is blocking your progress and creating inaction or procrastination. All you need to do is to do them. Don't let your fear get in the way of you letting your fear go. It's mental, but we somehow get quite attached to our fears on an unconscious level. It is our unconscious trying to keep us safe. If we can circumvent that by: acknowledging that we are anxious because our mind is trying to protect us; accept that fact; thank ourselves for it; then take action (5-4-3-2-1 countdown is awesome at getting over the hesitation hurdle here) then we will progress.
Thanks for reading (for so long)
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