"Son, Your Ego is writing cheques your body can't cash"
Is it?
Now, I'm a stubborn bastard. I get an idea in my head and i will see it through. I don't quit easily. I'd like to say I know where that is coming from deep in my psyche, but I don't. It's not an ego thing. It's simply an expectation I tend to strive towards. I won't deconstruct the potential history of my upbringing, events of my life, etc that may have built this thinking. It doesn't matter. What matters is 'is this true?' Am I taking on too much? And I believe no... I'm not.
I refuse to capitulate at a setback. I get to influence my outcomes. Even if it's shit and my body refuses to play ball. Even if there is some form of subconscious self sabotage at play (I'll explain in a minute). Having the right mindset
will move me forward. I've been here before with setbacks, injuries, disappointments.
I'm 47 now. I put my body through some rough times when i was a teenager and into my 20s. I pushed it hard again in my 30s and then injury had me quit on so much by the time I was 40. Now I am older (not so much wiser), and the body needs more attention. The thing here is taking accountability for it.
I took shortcuts after previous injuries so it's on me to fix it. Not give up.
I was asked a question the other day about am I self sabotaging? It stopped and made me think about it. It's possible and happens more often than we think. Our subconscious seeks to keep us 'safe'. Given the mess I got into, and how hard it was on me running for so long while hurting so much in May, it's quite possible.
In fact it might even be probable. The mind wanting to keep me safe from trauma. That duality of wanting to push myself further than many would dare, but scuppering my efforts in order to keep me 'safe'. A small injury maybe my psyche's way for the subconscious to preserve the greater good (which experience tells me whenever anyone says 'greater good' it usually means what's best for them).
There's no safety in mediocrity, complacency and comfort. We stand still, but the world keeps turning and the clock keeps ticking. We get left behind. Before you know it you're approaching the end of your time here regretting the chances you never took and where fear kept you small.
The concept of self-sabotage is a battle with yourself. A wrestle between what you want and what you subconsciously fear. I need to take a look inside and reprogram the thought, but first I have to find the thought.
How do I do that? I look for what it is I fear. What is the inner self seeking to protect me from?
When I get close to it, then I need to articulate it, deconstruct what it is I really fear and then 'habituate' to progress from the fear. [Habituation is a psychological process of taking small steps of progress against a fear held, that take you further and further forward over time]
It's really quite simple...
I believe I fear failure in this endeavour. And pain... lots and lots of pain
That is preventing me from moving forward, as my psyche is scared I'll fail, so will create situations that prove that I shouldn't be attempting this. Injury, illness, accident, weight-gain, whatever. This fear threatens it's safety.
Now I know this I can thank it for the message first of all. After all, I'm grateful I have the mental faculty to stop me throwing myself off a cliff or some other stupid shit that could end badly. So I can certainly thank my errant subconscious for trying to keep me safe from harm in this endeavour. Once I've done the thank you's it's all about going back to the visualisation of the outcomes and the process. I've spoken before about the importance of not simply focusing on the goal, but also seeing the journey itself and visualising:
1. How I want the challenge ahead to play out
2. How I adapt to problems (which will be inevitable) along the way
When I took on the Jurassic Coast Challenge this summer, I am certain that doing this work was the single most important factor behind going another 25km past the 58Km rest stop on one good foot. There is simply no way I'd have gotten that far without it. The next, and particularly important, part of the process to moving beyond fear is the 'Habituation' Stage...
I use the analogy of a shrinking circle.
Imagine a fight in a circle (Ring). The circle starts large. Your opponent (Fear) is at the edge of this wide circle while you are at the centre. You have the room to move towards your opponent. Step in, but also able to step back away from them, to move around.
As you feel more comfortable and you become better at the fight, the circle begins to shrink. This makes the attacks more frequent and intense, and gives you less and less places to move away. Eventually it becomes so small you have no choice but to fight while stood on the spot. A point by which you are fully adept and facing your opponent.
Overcoming fear is exactly like this. You take progressive steps that start easy and keep you safe, and then intensify the encounter with that fear progressively. Closing the circle in on you. Each shrinking moment upping the intensity but allowing you to adjust to it without overwhelming you. Taking you to a point where you are all in, nowhere to hide and fully equipped to deal with it.
I spent many years learning this in martial arts, and it works. It just takes time and repetition. You have to put yourself to edge of your comfort though.
For what I'm doing, Habituation is getting out running, slowly and step by step going further. Running in locations I don't know. Dealing with uncertainty while pushing that bit further.
A process that will allow me to overcome my deeper doubts and get comfortable with the uncertain adventure that awaits....
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