69. Not my Finest Fortnight

The last two weeks have been a bit shit. Stuff going wrong at work. Stuff going wrong with my house. My training has been non existent and my ankle / achilles / heel issue has been non-stop despite the 'rest' I've been giving it. Everything has just felt as if I'm going backwards. And the little cuts of crappy periods at work, at home and in training/diet add up to bring me down.

Post-Ultra/Marathon-Blues are a common symptom after a big challenge. That feeling of being empty and uncertain about what to do next. Tired of the relentless rehab only to feel my pain is right back where I started. Eating poorly and watching the scales slowly creep up again. The feeling of guilt about not training as too much work, stress, and having my schedule pulled pillar to post. Lack of decent sleep and walking around doing my best to put a smile on my face. The feeling that I failed to achieve what I set out to do all the way back in January and beyond when I stopped after 84k.

I shot for the stars and hit the moon... but nobody told me the moon was a rocky, desolate, cold lonely place that's so close but still so far from reaching home. A touch dramatic, I know, but when you measure yourself against a target and come up short, it hurts more than you realise at the time.

Is it my age? Am I in some pseudo male menopause? I don't think so. Am I over-tired? Probably. Am I depressed? Possibly. Am I lacking direction right now? Almost certainly.

I'm sure I'm not alone in that feeling of overwhelm from time to time. When, no matter what you do, you feel let down. Let down by your body, let down by your head, let down by clients, let down by your suppliers you had paid money to to get shit done. A death by a thousand cuts feeling that culminated in a real shitty week which I reacted badly to..

The biggest thing bringing me down in all this though, is knowing that it's me that is the problem here.

I can't control the actions of others. I can't control whether someone fucks up my schedule, my plans, my day or even my foot. What I can control though is my reaction and response to it.

I've spent the last two weeks staying up late; being pissed off; over eating and eating the wrong shit; not bothering training or treating/rehabilitating my pain; not running. And that is all on me...

...and I am better than that. I am better than excuses. I am better than apathy. I am better than quitting.

The last two weeks has been a phase of self-sabotage and self-loathing. It's the angry child in my head having a sulk and wanting to smash things. Woe betide those who crossed me this week and a few have felt my wrath (some of which has been spectacular the last week, I'm sad to say). So now I'm at a crossroads of choice. Do I choose to stay where I am? Or, do I choose to change it? The latter of course, but it's easier said than done. So where do I start? At the beginning.

The damage I've done to my progress isn't as bad as all that. So It's back in the gym, back to my hot and cold buckets, stretching, rolling, strengthening, back to cleaner eating, back to early nights, meditation and Wim Hof breathing.

The thing I do have is time. I've a long road ahead until my next ultra which is looking like next year now, so it's time to be kinder to myself. I'm my own harshest critic. I always have been, and I'm finding it hard to put so much effort in to only find myself closer to where I started rather than where I'm wanting to go. Patience isn't my strong suit... especially when it comes to my own progress.

This is something that has been a double edged sword. In my younger and more competitive years. It's what drove me to achieve so much; but now, it's what's getting in my way. This means easing up on myself a bit and accepting where I am once again. It's incredibly frustrating, of course, but what's the alternative? Watch everything unravel and take myself back to the start, only this time blaming myself entirely for it? More self-loathing and self-criticism? Do I let the voices of self-doubt in? Of course not. So I start the new week with my gym bag packed and ready to take another step on my long road to ultra. Courage is still going forward in spite of the fear in doing so, not the absence of fear. It's getting knocked down 9 times and getting up 10. And It's continuing to do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard...

I've got this...