25. Slaying The Demons & The Doubters

Demons, most of us have them. These are the negative thoughts we have about ourselves and the world around us, formed over our experience in, and of, it. Some are formed through bad events and experience, others from hurt and abuse, and a few (in fact, many) in our interpretation of what was said, done or experienced when we were young. Many of which went on to form our belief system of both the world around us, and ourselves.

When they are formed they can be exceptionally powerful. Fixed into our psyche and subconscious, whispering to us in the background creating fear, doubt, and often sabotage of our efforts to move forward in life. The science of Fear is something I know very well. I've studied it for many years both in my career and through my life, and have had anxiety issues crop up since I was a child that I've worked against and through. I can tell you all about the amygdala, imposter syndrome, the subconscious and its power and grip over our self image and how it forms in deep detail. But not here. Maybe in a book one day.

[warning. This is one of my longer posts, but one of the most important ones IMHO so stick with it]

'What has this to do with running, or what you're doing, Rich?'

In short, a lot. How we see ourselves, and what holds us back is vastly important in anything. In fact, I was inspired to write this post today because of something that happened in a running group I was on, to a young lady there (I'll get to this in a bit). The treatment she received, and how it made her feel, highlighted that people carry pain, fear and doubt with them... and that others sometimes don't give a shit. Some of it can drive us forward, some of it can make us withdraw, and some of it can bring out the worst in people around us when we are driving to being the best version of ourselves.

How people see themselves often determines their success. In sport there are countless examples of heroic progress and feats by people who started with the odds stacked against them. Determined to succeed because they were bullied, thought they were stupid so applied effort to sport, had been convinced they'd not amount to much or ever achieve anything of note. What you rarely see is how fragile some of the most successful and strongest people are in their worst fears about themselves, even after they've conquered their mountain.

The reality is the majority of people have these types of thoughts too. The successful ones just found a way through their demons (to a point, as many suffer with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, etc). They've learned how to manage them in a way that doesn't stop them.

You may have heard of Neil Jenkins (Welsh legendary Rugby player and former world record points scorer) who vomited before each game due to performance anxiety. Or Johnny Wilkinson (Rugby World Cup winner... and THAT drop goal) who battled depression while injured and out of the game he loved. Then there's Michael Phelps (most decorated Olympian in history) with extreme anxiety and depression episodes. It literally happens to the best of us. So what's that really about?

In my experience, most of it can be boiled down to not feeling 'good enough'.

To bring the relevance to what I'm striving for, I'll open up about myself for a minute. I was a very high performing rugby player when 17/18 years old. I was also a top level martial artist in my late teens and start of my 20's (international standard). The real story is I suffered anxiety throughout. The expectation upon me that if I had a bad game, then I let the team down. If I lost a bout then I was weaker or worse than my opponent. After I stopped competing (largely because of anxieties like this) I let so much slide and drift.

That in itself created a vicious cycle. A spiral of not feeling good enough, and making negative choices that simply sabotaged efforts to pull myself back up, reminding me I wasn't good enough anymore, or made me turn away from doing it altogether at times. If I couldn't be the very best any longer then what was the point? I displaced it by becoming very good at my career, but I hid from the feeling of loss, from letting my physical attributes slip away.

That thinking put weight on, led to chronic injury and ultimately and led to letting my demons win.

That lasted for over a decade.

And then I made a choice. A simple one, but not easy. I decided to change...

Change the way you look at things...

With regards to my physical side, I started that journey a few years ago, when I first took up a new martial art - Aikido. The belief came back, as I quickly became adept at it (and frankly it was good to bounce people around the dojo once again). Then I took on the 100k hike challenge. That's where I knew I could overcome something huge.

The demons screamed loud when I was doing that hike. Every chuckle people quietly made when I said beforehand that I'd walk 100K. Every doubt about myself being old, heavy, underprepared. You could see it in most people's eyes that most expected me to fail (even if they wanted me to succeed). I just chose not to believe their version of me to be true. I changed the way I looked at what I was doing. I focused on my journey, not theirs nor their expectations.

This demon returns though. When you set out to go further than before. In doing something that is incredibly out of my comfort zone, that feeling of not being good enough has come up again.

It's all about what I choose to do about it....

The power of the dark side

If you (like I have been) are quietly sad you have struggled with your weight. If you finish a training run disappointed you're not fast enough (me again). If you take anything you are making progress in and still feel you're not further forward (yes, me again) then this demon is strong in you too.

When people refer to your running as 'walking' just because you aren't putting in 8 minute miles despite being on a trail with loaded pack for 15 mile training runs, it cuts. People don't think about it when they remind you you used to be 'fat'. Comments like 'I can't get used to seeing you like this, Rich' tell a story. Like it's what you should be, and they can't get used to you being anything other than how they want to perceive you to be.

They don't acknowledge the pain, the effort, the will and the very fact that to get where you want to go requires vast reserves of energy, determination and facing your own demons that led you to want to change everything that's been holding you back.

No. They often don't see any of that. The thing is, they don't need to, and you certainly don't need them to.

People have a tendency to see the world through only their own lens. Their own judgements, and their own biases. That's on them. That limits them. Not you. The minute you begin to let go of other's views of you (especially people who matter little in the grand scheme of things) the demons tend to shrink and you are free to be more of who you choose to be.

Haters gonna hate

And this circles me back to the lady who inspired me to write about this topic today. It was on a Facebook runner's group where there was a post asking for people to post a pic that made them feel good/attractive about themselves. A celebration of positive self image. This one young lady (N.) posted a 'cheeky' picture of a remarkable physique and physical attribute she was proud of (her rear), and was immediately body-shamed by another woman! Called out as fake, photo-shopped etc. No thought for the person with the courage enough to put their body out there like that. She was proud of her ass, what's the problem? I'm proud of my legs. So what? There's certainly no reason to be attacked for it on a forum that was there to celebrate it!

I saw her put a video up as a response, where she referenced having a tough time in her life to get to the point she was happy with her body, only to have someone dismiss that effort. She proved her physique to be true in the video, but she shouldn't have needed to. She knew it to be true about herself, but still carried a demon that made her feel the need to prove it to this asshole. To be fair, I think many of us would do the same. I know I would. But it shows the impact people can have on you. Even strangers. And yet, in true fashion, people double down and excuse their own unfair judgement, as the troll did in this case.

But here's the thing... that trolls feel the need to shoot someone down says everything about them and nothing about her. I can certainly relate to this in my own journey.

We spoke briefly through message and her experience got me thinking about the quiet watchers around my life. Those who react negatively (though often not obviously) to your progress. Dismissive. Bored. Disinterested. Superior.

I've often thought that it's because the light you might be shining in pushing further than you've been before is hurting their eyes, or exposing to them some of their own demons about themselves. The funny thing is I know who they are and keep them at distance these days. Sadly people want me to fail. Even if they don't say it. I know it to be true.

And I am putting them behind me.

This has everything to do with what I'm tackling right now with this challenge I've accepted. It's because the demons are here. They get in the way. They call out to you to quit when it hurts (which is often right now), to have a pizza, to not bother going out for a 20k run, to not do your evening stretch routine because you're tired. We just need to learn how to overcome them because they strike when we are at our most vulnerable. They appear when we're tired, frustrated, hungry, hurting.... but we get to chose our response to those quiet whispers. One certainty I have is I will not fail. Even being ready to toe the start line makes what I'm doing a success. I laugh when people want to know my times. Like it's good if you're slower. Something to mesure their 5K against while you are doing an off-road 30. The courage to even attempt this is beyond so many. It's not that they can't... it's that they won't. I treat every run I complete, every pound lost as a win. It's all a success. Fuck the doubters, at the end of the day. I know who I am and what I am capable of, and I choose to win my battle. I'm blessed to have friends and family who really know what I can achieve, and their support is pure gold (thank you! x)

And a final message for N, if you read this... As for the demons and the doubters in your world....

Thank you for reading...