163. "How do you feel?"

"How do you feel about this challenge, Rich?" is a question people are now asking me. I have just two weeks' to go and people around me are beginning to understand that I'm about to bite off something especially large and unchewable. I'm finding it's a question I'm being asked 'delicately' and 'sensitively' by most. Often, with the subtext of: "are you sure you really want to do this, Rich?" or "It's going to be pretty shit and you know it, Rich... but I care and don't want to see you in pain."

Whenever I'm being asked this question I'm reminded of the quote in the Film Armageddon when asked how one of the crew (Owen Wilson) was feeling:

"I'm great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more. It could be, it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out."

It says where I'm at, perfectly.

When I think of the possible scenarios - Bad weather, high winds, massive mileage, wet feet, exposure risk, blisters, maceration, tendon issues, exhaustion and pain for days on end I'm in the '98% scared, 2%' excited end of the spectrum. The reality I remind myself is that it will unlikely be as bad as my worst case scenario has me think. I have prepared as best I can to deal with issues like that (my kit bag is a living testament to this).

I am genuinely excited though. About somewhere new, remote, and the challenge of seeing how far is possible for me to go on my own two feet based on where I am at right now. But make no mistake... I am anxious. It's going to hurt and there is no avoiding it. Nobody wants to suffer for days... and sure as shit nobody looks forward to it... But like someone waiting for something nasty to happen to them, the best way to deal with it, that I can see, is to welcome it, expect it and turn that into fuel with a mindset of being that the challenge only really begins when the suffering does.

It's what I signed up for. To do something most people will never choose to do. To see what I can achieve given where I am right now; and to do so from what I started out like only a short time ago.

It's also quite motivating to be asked how I'm feeling. For one, it shows people care enough about me to ask. That means something to me. I say this chuckling, but it also makes me think that some people think I won't do it. That get's my ego engaged in proving the doubters wrong. But the magic fuel for this is in the doubters who either ask me the same question wanting me to fail, or those who quietly know what I'm doing but pretend they don't... but wanting me to fail. I love these the most when I am gearing up for something hard.

Rocket Fuel

The questions that really get me fired up are from the odd person who secretly wants me to fail! The false interest and concern. There are also those who are conspicuous in their silence. The 'watchers' and 'lurkers' who have been around my life. You can taste it at times from these folks... and that is rocket fuel to me. It's is pouring petrol on the fire for my motivation.

I know that one thing i do well is hold a mirror up. Most love that about me (they are the people I love and are deeply connected with); but for others (who mistakenly think I don't know who they are), it can be unbearable. That's ok though. It's sad, but it is a fact of life. I'm at peace with this as I've had a lot of this in my life over the years. There will always be people who see what you push yourself to do as shining a light on what they won't/can't/ too afraid of. I remind myself that no matter how far I go, I will have already gone further than I've ever gone before. That's a massive win for me and my growth. This is a challenge about my discovery of me. That's the outcome... the lessons I learn. Run 300k or 217k or 20k... I still win. This whole blog is about my journey. Not my destination.... but it's the cherry on the cake to know that there will be people out there that are driven mad by what I'm doing.

As you can probably tell, I'm now in battle-mode headspace. Now it's about grit and relentless forward motion. It's about strapping my gear on and stepping into the breach as an unstoppable force. It's about one foot in front of the other until it's over, and using every motivation possible to keep going.. How am I feeling?

I feel fucking fantastic.

Bring it on. Thanks for Reading.