The Taper Tantrums are a thing. I've written before about the Taper crazies, and it appears that this year is no different.
This is the period where you ask yourself one simple question...
"Have I done enough?"
I was out having a simple walk this morning with the dog. A completely tiny effort compared to recent training. And yet there I was, stiff and sore-as-f*ck at 5am lamenting this fact and asking this very question. At the weekend, I put in my final long run. A personal best time for a 14km trail blast to kick off my tapering period. It was part of those last couple of weeks where you dial everything back to let the niggles heal and the energy return. It was the end of a VERY stressful week and yet I moved well enough on that final long run, and had only minor reactions to the injury stuff I've been carrying the last couple of years. I felt pretty good with this as a fastest personal time on this route, with a nice and easy heart rate. And yet today I'm questioning if all this training and upheaval on the way I've lived my life the last 6 months is having any effect whatsoever.
I still feel physically busted and sprained, despite the VAST energy, time and money invested in fixing the problems I've carried for 3 years. I feel as heavy as ever, despite losing 10kg; and frustrated that little more is coming off now. The only way I can see losing more weight is by simply starving myself. I eat clean, I eat moderate calories and I burn a fuck-ton of calories in my training.
Side note: eat less and move more is bullshit btw. If that was indeed the case, and I've tracked my calories in vs calories out, then I'd be 2kg lighter simply from my peak week alone! (14,000 calories consumed vs 30,000 calories burned.)... and I'm not. If anything I've added a pound or two!
And this morning I had that single question in my head of "Have I done enough?" . This question can be dangerous. The reason I say that is the thought that followed the question...
"Maybe I'm not cut out for this".
I am rarely prone to self doubt. It is the precursor to quitting on your hopes, your dreams and your goals. That seed of a thought that, simply. I am not good enough to really do this... not really. That I am too old, too fat, too slow and kind of ridiculous, for even attempting it. That the injuries will never go away and will always sabotage your ability to increase volume, intensity, etc in what you do. It's a fucking horrible thought path to be on. ...And it is way more common than you think.
It's called Imposter syndrome.
That feeling that you don't deserve to be there. That you shouldn't be. That you are simply not worthy nor good enough, and all-round a bit of a fraud for even attempting something like this...
...AND IT IS BULLSHIT.
This time, with a significant challenge looming in a matter of 9 days, is THE time the doubts kick in. When you ease up on the gas while tapering and start to have more time to think. More time in your head, and more time in your exhausted and battered body. Time that opens you up to start battling your own demons, fears and doubts; and that feeling of guilt that you are no longer monstering yourself.
The bigger the challenge you face, the more loudly the demons scream.
It's all relative. If it's your 3rd 100km chasing a best time, or your first 34km seeking to finish something further than you've ever gone before. The doubts are real and we need to silence them. Tapering for a big challenge opens up the space for these thoughts and doubts to creep in. Especially when you've undergone significant challenges along the way. Whether it's weight, injury, health, or family trouble, I've found this period is always when our negative thoughts show up.
For me, I have to next run 100km. In just over a week, and I want to shoot for a best time on this course off the back of a largely successful training block in line with what I set out last autumn in the depth of my injury woes.
I want to see what's possible based on what I've achieved since January this year. That's only really 4 months of solid running training (though adding a month of time on the bike through December while I was rehabilitating severe injury issues from this time last year)
Context is everything But let's get some context here for a moment... It's no time at all really. It's only 16 weeks, and yet I've completed 700km on my feet in those four months and approx 130 hours training in that time (adding in the bike work as well)... Have I done enough?
Well, let's turn back time for a moment...
last year in the same 4 month training block period I completed 75 hours of training and 451 km on my feet training with an injury-laden shambles of a winter training block... And I ran 100km with a messed up ankle from the start. I completed the challenge in just over 25 hours.
So we need to get some perspective here. Comparing this year to last year: I have run 60%+ more miles; and I have almost doubled the total hours of aerobic training in the same 4 month period for this imminent challenge.
So working this through in my head, I'll ask myself the question again... "Have I done enough?".... And based on the facts at hand my answer is: "you bet your fucking ass, I have!"
And this is where the Taper Tantrums get you. Doubting that you're underprepared, not deserving, and not good enough. And all of that is a lifetime of our crap coming up to the surface in a twisted and misaligned attempt to keep us safe (our subconscious is really shitty at doing this, btw). This is a fact... If you've worked for a goal, then you are good enough. Simple.
The reality in these types of challenges is that, if you can reach a TOTAL weekly volume that achieves half of your challenge distance, then you can finish that challenge. You might not win (but that's not what it's about for me and for the vast majority of people stepping up to an endurance challenge for the first time).
It might be hard. It might be painful at times, but YOU WILL FINISH IT if you throw out those doubts. Eliminate them now and you will have them under control at the hardest points that come up on your challenge. If you can hit 17km on your feet in a week, then you CAN finish 34k. If you can hit 50km in a week then you CAN finish 100km. It's just then about being smart on the day itself (easy pacing, lots of energy/calories, dealing with blisters and niggles ASAFP, etc.), and avoiding pushing yourself into injury during it.
It has NOTHING to do with how 'worthy' you think you are. You were always worthy.
And all of this from simply walking the dog this morning! LOL
For sure, taper weeks are most definitely training! They may just be the most important training weeks of all. The time where you work on the mind the most. That's what will be screaming the loudest, but rein that wild horse in and it will also be the thing that gets you through. The niggles will creep in, the phantom pains will start to show up, and the guilt and doubts will be screaming at you that you've not done enough... All part of the joy of Tapering periods. You've done enough. Accept that.
But your mind will keep you moving forward, when the body thinks it's had enough. All you need to do is make a firm and conscious choice to keep moving.
Tapering weeks are the mental peak volume weeks. The stretching and readying of your mindset. Those few days where you are forced to confront those doubts and demons, and equip you with the tools to keep going when it starts to get hard in the second half of the challenge you are taking on... NO MATTER THE DISTANCE you have chosen to tackle.
One thing that is an immutable fact... you are not defined by this or any other challenge life throws at you. You sure-as-fuck are not defined by any other person in terms of how far you go. You and you alone get to define you!
My first physio took one look at me before I started my first challenge and not only pointed out how out of shape and broken I was, but also proceeded to outline the risks of falling off a cliff edge, hyponatremia, Rhabdo and 3 other ways I could seriously fuck myself up attempting to walk 100km in a single sitting. So I broke my toe in training and decided to do it anyway and walked for 35 goddam hours to get it done.
You are the only one who gets to define you. Simply choose to be worthy of your challenge because you always have been!!
Remember that and burn it into your soul! You were worthy long before the minute you signed up for any challenge you have taken on. People who love, and have loved, you knew you were worthy way before you ever laced up a pair of running shoes, or anything else you've taken on for that matter. Accept that. You're already worthy and have been for a very long time.
So you're tired, sore, anxious, afraid. So what? That's entirely normal... I am, too. Now you get to slay a dragon by choosing something challenging, and you get to do it by just showing up in the first place! The outcome is irrelevant in comparison. Your success in anything is never measured by how far you go. That's the great lie... It's only ever measured in the courage to simply choose and attempt to go a single step further than the day before. It's only ever about the journey. Not the destination.
So people go further, or they go faster, or they don't experience as much pain as I do. So fucking what?! This is my challenge. It is my stretch. It is my dragon that I am slaying... not theirs.
And there is one simple mantra I have used on every challenge I've faced. It has helped me through so many hard miles when it came to showtime and it is: "Trust in the training". You've got this. No matter what unfolds, you had this the moment you had the courage to sign up and give your challenge a go.
For the runners, walkers and crawlers out there...
You've done the miles, both physically and figuratively. You've built the consistency. You've endured. You've addressed the niggles and weaker areas and have a strategy for the day. You have the kit, the advice and above all else... the courage to even train to be at that start line.
You deserve to be there because you have always deserved to be there. That's why we signed up for this madness.
All that's left is to pack your kit, stretch, rest, quiet the mind and choose your loudest and most colourful running kit.
I see you... You... are... ready.
Thanks for reading, and now let's go fuck some shit up out there.
Comentarios