Each of us has a story, a history we get attached to about our journey to where we are today. A unique set of events through a lifetime of experiences that are personal to us and only really seen through the lens and filter we put on, based on our own emotional and physical interpretation of them. We tend to weave them into a story which is ours and by which we base a significant part of our journey through life.
We define ourselves in large part through these stories which then shape our lives. The trouble with these stories is they can often limit us in our goals and aspirations, unconsciously determining our choices, actions and what we inadvertently create.
I've been forced to look deeply at my own story through this recent journey to RRFF (running really f*cking far). I've mentioned in a recent post about the story I have become a little too attached to. It's been genuinely hurting me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Everything from anxiety, guilt to injury and pain. It's hugely uncomfortable to realise the depth of this story and the grip it has over you.
While it's easy to wax lyrical about positive mind-sets, determination, etc, each of us is very different and we all travel very unique paths in our lives. Right now I'm feeling at a crossroads. I stay on the path I've been on through my life, pulling against my story to achieve 'victory over adversity'; or, change what happens in the next chapter.. I've conditioned myself over a lifetime with this story. until now and it's not a quick fix. This crossroads is not shaping up to be a simple choice to simply decide in my mind that it's time to shift the script. Consciously we can tell ourselves this until we are blue in the face, but given that the unconscious mind rules supreme, it is also deeply connected to our body which often expresses what the unconscious mind is thinking (just think of anxiety and how our body can feel physically sick when we get it).
This means we need to rewrite the script to our story via our bodies to help reverse the negative parts of the process that are keeping us stuck. By this I mean engage the body and focus there in the shift, in order to reach the unconscious mind to support lasting change in behaviour.
This is not easy. Our bodies have built patterns and habits in how it responds to situations over a lifetime. Our unconscious has forged solid belief systems of ourselves and the world through our experiences and traumas.
I'm onto something here as I can feel my body reacting even as i write this post! I can feel it is incredibly uncertain as I express that I'm working to change my lifelong story I've been so attached to. The pains are turning up in volume, my stomach feels like it's in mid air and I'm clearly pushing a few buttons with myself (my dreams at the moment are fucking mad!).
It's a giant puzzle that I am seeking to figure out. When I started this journey (and this blog) I had no idea it'd take me to places in my past, my present, and into my deepest drivers of my behaviours. Certainly not to the extent I find myself right now... but I am here right now. I am where I am. At the crossroads. I can either push on and see where I end up, or I can pull back to the familiar, and end up with no other outcome, than the disappointingly predictable one for the next chapter of my story, than the same theme I've always had - fights hard, overcomes challenge, sometimes wins, sometimes loses, always hurts...
I'm at this point for a reason. I don't fully know what that reason is, I just know it's more important than I realise. Whether that importance is for me, for my family, or to facilitate any stranger looking at this to move forward. I just KNOW it's important. I can FEEL it really matters that I move through this into whatever lies the other side of this stage I'm in.
It's unclear to me where I end up from here, and for me that is hugely difficult. I'm working on letting go of the outcome. It will be what it will be. I'm working hard on letting go of the past both in my body and in my mind. I can't change the past, all I can do is work in each moment in the present the best I can. To change the story that my body is, and has been, holding onto. I'm figuring that out right now. If I don't then the alternative is simply to quit, but that's not what I want. I want to shift. I want to change the story I'm writing today. I want to see where I end up once I do. I know it will be 'better' but I'm not wedded to what shows up to get me there, or how long that'll take. It feels important that I am not too attached to that, even though there is a ticking clock to when I run my next challenge. What I know is that I am committed to seeing this process through. My journey to 'Ultra' is certainly a 'long road', and 'Ultra' is beginning to mean much more than simply a physical distance to run. Right now, I'm curious, excited, anxious and uncertain about what that will look like next. Be sure that I'll update you as I discover what that is, though ;-)
Thanks for reading...
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